Our day and a half long detox program

I don't typically see myself as someone who would ever undergo a diet. I have no problem with my figure that can't be solved with a month-long fast, and I respond very well to reverse psychology. So when Julie introduced the idea of trying an "all-natural, fruits and vegetables program" I wanted no part of it, "...or not" I was all for it.

The concept behind the diet wasn't so much to lose weight but to cleanse ourselves of the unhealthy toxins we've been ingesting courtesy of Papa Johns. Last Sunday we were filled with hope. We went to the friendly neighborhood grocery store and stocked up on greens, oranges, and the occasional yellow. Little did we anticipate the hell we were about to put ourselves through.

Monday started off well. We had bananas and peaches for breakfast. It really had us thinking "this is nature's candy". The day proceeded as usual; hours of job searching, wedding show marathons, tense stares at one another over our laptop monitors. Then as lunch neared we grew eager to dig into the carrots and celery. The earth-meat tasted good and all, but it left much to be desired, namely grease and fat. Afterwards our stomachs felt full but our mouths begged for the appearance of an entree. This lack of climax left us in a state of limbo. While we were physically satiated, our taste buds were starved. We may as well have just licked the outside of an ice cream container, for in that perhaps we could have enjoyed some slightly sweetened condensation. Instead there we were, stuck with "healthy" food, nourishing us in ways the big Oprah in the sky intended.

By dinner time we were contemplating whether cannibalism would fit into the diet. In the end we felt the whole process of cleaning and preparing the "neighborhood toddler sashimi" would be more work than it's worth. All that we really craved was bread. Of all the things that we were being held from it was the only one that we were prepared to kill for. I mean, come on! It's the bottom of the food pyramid, one of the few foods that is so good it can act as both a plate and utensil, and can make any object a meal just by placing two slices around it. Ultimately we caved and each had ourselves a bagel. We went to bed satisfied with our bellies feeling full for the first time in what seemed like a year.

The next day started off well. I discovered that cantaloupe can be used for more than just a makeshift botchy ball. As agonizing as it was to dine on our rabbit food lunch we did it with a stripe of pride. The gratification was short lived when Julie had the greatest idea she has ever had in her life (namely making her amazing turkey chili for dinner) I felt it was time to put our little dietary venture to rest.

Overall the stress of having every food I enjoy being withheld from me was much worse than any toxin that may be lurking in the recesses of my rockin' bod. I think next week we'll fair much better with Billy Bob Thornton's all orange food diet.