200 Channels and there's something to watch...

...unfortunately they only seem to be wedding shows. After two years without TV Julie has been ecstatic to be able to watch it again. Little did I suspect if you search hard enough you can find a wedding themed show to fill every half-hour block of the day (fortunately the same can be said for Law & Order). From multi-million-dollar destination weddings in Belize, to cakes that are a life-sized replicas of the bride, these glamorized exposes on the day every little girl dreams of make the event seem daunting and terrifying.

While some might think this is Julie's way of subliminally gearing me for that frightful day, it really has had the adverse effect. After a marathon of Bridezillas it is apparent that weddings turn women into ruthless egocentric terrors. This hopefully inaccurate portrayal of women on the weeks leading up to their big day makes me fearful of what I have in store for me should I ever plan to turn this blog into a sitcom the bible-belt can appreciate.

Platinum Weddings is the greatest display of the gross infestation of materialism in the world second only to QVC's "Patriotic Family Commemoratives". The centerpieces take on Red Wood tree size proportions, venues span from castles to mountaintops, and brides surround themselves in tool (not referring to the fabric). They claim that these lavish weddings will make the occasion ever more memorable, yet in many cases it seems their only reason worth getting married in the first place.

Watching all these shows do make me wonder how I would design my perfect wedding, because let's face it, someone's gotta lock this down eventually.

(Spoiler Alert) First off, the ceremony would be held in an abandoned airport hanger. Scratch that... an ACTIVE airport hanger. I would appear at the alter in a puff of smoke to the song "The Final Countdown" by Styx. Instead of a tux I would wear a suit of armor. After slaying a giant 3D projection of a Giant Squid the Argentinean national anthem would play as my bride enters. She will be dressed up like some sort of nearsighted archeologist holding a bouquet of chocolate covered strawberries and grapes. She will approach the alter in a zeppelin. For a little extra buzz, we'll be married by whomever was most recently ratted on in the tabloids, and our vows will be presented in the form of dirty limericks. Naturally the reception will be held on the zeppelin and we will serve all you can eat Taquitos and Dairy Queen Blizzards. At the end of the evening I will puncture the zeppelin and force everyone to skydive to safety but my new bride and I will go down with the blimp; because a captain always goes down with his ship and I'm not one to spoil tradition, especially on my wedding day. (End of Spoiler)