The ER Marathon

Recently we made a stint to my old haunches to pay a visit to the family members of mine still unfortunate enough to evade becoming Massholes. During our time there my lovely grandmother Madge-Dogg was told by her physician that she would have to go to the emergency room. This was nothing too dire, he just suggested that she visit the ER because the only clinic nearby to have one of these Vulcan Death Rays was closed until Monday.

3 hours into her visit we received a call from her saying that she had undergone the machine's 2 minute scan and was left to wait for the test results. Julie and I went to keep her company and perhaps rough up some preoccupied nurses. On our walk into the building I came across a $5 bill laying on the entrance ramp. I picked it up and handed it to Julie who insisted that I keep it, but as I wiped the blood off on my pant-leg I told her that I just didn't feel right taking money from some unsuspecting victim.

We entered the waiting room and after noting that the receptionist had her back turned we went in search of my grandmother's room. We made our way down the hall passing patients sleeping in gurneys, group of police officers surrounding one of their own sporting a neck brace, hustling nurses, and bustling doctors. As I contemplated the joys I could have if I took the policeman's utility belt that was abandoned on a nearby chair we entered my grandmother's room.

She sat directly in line with the door in a beautiful powder blue diamond paper gown. She greeted us and we were filled in on how she came to be sitting in her cozy 4 bed room, pantless, and alone. Rather than confront any of the staff busily running down the hallway I spent some much long awaited quality time with my grandma as Julie went to find out what the hold up was all about. Apparently in the emergency room of this particular hospital (the one I was born in might I add) each doctor is in charge of fifteen patients. Rather than treating the patients that are ready to leave, they seem to tend to those closer to death.

While my grandmother sat there saying "I don't know why I'm here I feel fine" her single serving roommates were hardly so lucky. One woman was released shortly after her induction because the doctor determined there was nothing to be done about the blood emanating from her 90 year old honey pot. We assumed the person at one end of the room to be an overly excited old man as we heard the interaction with one visitor; "We're going to the movies!" "Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" "Do you want to go to the movies?" "Yeeeeeeoooooooo"; only to realize that this preconceived cheering accompanied other questions as well; "Does this hurt?" "Yeeeeeeeeaaaaaa". Adding insult to injury it turned out to be a woman. Fortunately the third roomie was nearly blind so her family turned on some WWE Raw and sat contently watching.

At the 6th hour my mom came by to lend her stories of Ireland to give Julie and I a chance to have some dinner. As we finished our meal my mom called to let me know that they were finally heading home. After 8 or so hours Madge-Dogg was released with a practically clean bill of health. We stood on her front lawn watching a silent lightning storm light up the sky over the hospital. All we could think was grandpa must be pissed.