The Gift of Giving Gifts

In every serious relationship, events involving customary gift giving are always treacherous. Gifts not only show your loved ones you care, but just how much. I appreciate those who feel that the incorporation of gifts in a relationship is just groveling at the alter of the materialism god, but for the rest of us, you must keep in mind that "not doing anything this year" is a bold faced lie.

With this past week being Julie and my two year anniversary, we have had many occasions to draw upon when advising people in the appropriate gift giving scenario. I feel that in our short history we have had a 99% success rate on gifts (minus the "#1 Patriots Fan" Jersey Julie made me, and yes, I'm deducting for the thought in particular).

There are some key elements you should focus on when searching for the perfect gift.

1. Listen - I'm not talking about listening for cues so that you can interject a canned "uh huh" or "I said that bitch is crazy". I mean pick up on the hobbies/desires of your partner, as well as the obvious clues. If your man has ever shouted "I sure would like to have this on DVD" as he watched the Golden Girls, that is a pretty clear indicator that he would be thrilled to open it on Shabbos. (note: rule does not necessarily apply to moments of intoxication).

2. Go all out - Unless you're on a joint budget with your giftee, there is really no harm in doing it up big, because more often than not, they're sort of worth it. Nothing quite says I love you like living without electricity for a month to say it.

3. Think outside the box - Sure, Julie will tell you that she'd want nothing more than something in a small velvet box, but where is the fun in that!? There are the old standbys, flowers, jewelry, a life-sized portrait of yourself; and while those options are all well and good, they lack any real thought or emotion. Do something that says "I know you. I've been watching you." Things that you know they would like but not necessarily everyone else would. That's why it helps to...

4. Think practical - There are things you can wear and things you need in your day-to-day life, but then there are those things you never knew you needed. Ones that would change your life for the better and make you question how you lived without it. It's the kind of thing your partner will hold onto forever, yes it may stick around longer than you, but at least the next schmuck has to look at it everyday.

Be wary though, entering the world of the hobbyist can be a tricky place. Whether they're a novice sculptor or a seasoned model trains enthusiast, there may be distinct level of precision necessary for purchasing just the right item. But above all else...

5. Be practical - Ok so she said "sailing would be nice." For the love of the materialism god don't surprise her with a 18' schooner (unless you live on the water or have an unusually large pool). Burdening your loved one with equipment that needs care, maintenance and space is a sure-fire way to find yourself sleeping on a boat.

Basically all I'm trying to say is, just don't buy them exercise equipment unless they explicitly say something like "I would like to purchase exercise equipment in the near future." With a little care and a lot of attention you can pull off the grace and success of Santa Claus, without all the pervy voyeurism.

The Engagement Trials

When you've been together for two years people don't seem to know how to treat you. One side is clamoring to know what date to save, while the other side scoffs at you for taking things too seriously "Oh you're still so new to this." (italicized for smugness). Depending on your first thought to reading "Engagement" in the title of this post can determine which category you fit into.

Julie has promised on multiple occasions to refrain from forcing the issue of marriage. That hasn't stopped her from including me in her daily Guess who I know who just got engaged? mailing list, each post-scripted with "not that I'm telling you to rush or anything."

You see, since the beginning I have been undergoing Julie's test of might: Her way of observing/grooming me into the perfect mate. She has told me many times that I am doing well enough to finish, if I wanted. Unfortunately for Julie, my desire for winning is slightly over-matched by my enjoyment of watching her sweat it out. Still I do take pride in knowing that I have almost passed all her critiques.

Employed ::check::
Financially stable ::check::
Has realistic aspirations ::check::
Adheres to the dirty dish stacking protocol ::check::
Maintains an equal disdain for all things ventriloquist ::check::
Knows how to write/use spell check ::check::
Ok with never doing karaoke ::check::
Can beat her at Boggle _____

There is a discrepancy with this last rule: Julie claims that she stated that I merely had to know how to play Boggle, not actually defeat her at it. Being the fair and balanced person that I am, it is only right that I honor my misunderstanding and insist that beating her fair and square is the only way to pass the jumbled word challenge. Now, I will not go into detail on how the game is played since, for some reason, it is far too complicated for half of the dating populace to comprehend.

I will say this though: I will fight tooth and nail to win. As far as anyone who has ever played her in the past is concerned, Julie is the grand master of Boggle. The only time she has experienced any resemblance of a loss was when I woke her up mid-way through a surpise game. Even then I only won by a paltry six points.

I don't have any serious tests of my own aside form:

Hot
Pretty smart
Pretty
Has the capacity to enjoy nerdy things

As it stands, this little 5x5 grid of plastic lettered dice is the only thing standing between us and an eternity of commitment. For now I'm just happy to be with her under my own accord.

Here's to two years being together, just because we want to.

Love you J

Life Unemployed

Over the previous seven months I enjoyed the freedom and crushing depression of unemployment. For any of you out there considering trying it for yourself, I would advise waiting until someone (namely your current employer) makes that decision for you. Regardless of your means to end up in a position of joblessness, there are a few things to consider in order to be mentally prepared for your new found free-time.

With your 24/7 "Me Time" you will experience so much unbridled futzing-around you literally won't know what to do with yourself.

Take up skateboarding?

Learn an instrument?

Go all Kobiashi on the snacks in your house?

After just a few weeks devoid of responsibility, you will find yourself creating a daily schedule of your favorite time wasters.

(10am) Be awoken by the alarm. Ready to greet the day you slide over and gently hit the snooze button. "In five minutes I'll be able to spring out of bed"

(10:35am) After hitting the snooze button several more times you find the alarm clock to be of no use to you anymore. Your plans to make the most of the day now take a back seat to "get the most out of your most recent dream"

(12:30pm) Free from the clutches of the chirping clock beside your bed you rise like a freshly bitten zombie.

(12:45pm) Without the constraints of "when" and "what" can be considered breakfast, you fulfill all your dreams on one plate. Leftover Chinese and an ice cream sandwich? Sounds delightful!

(2:10pm) Daytime television never looked so good. You welcome your new friends Paul Williams and Phyllis Newman, and the other Young and Restless people like yourself. You attentively try your best to figure out who's sleeping with whom, and just exactly which one is the "evil" twin.

(3:40pm) After alphabetizing your DVD collection yields bland results you then attempt to sort them chronologically according to when you first heard about them.

(4:20pm) You do nothing at all.

(4:45pm) You finally muster up the strength to check for mail. You are not expecting anything, but the act of doing something you don't entirely want to gives you the feeling of accomplishment.

(5:25pm) Although you technically didn't have lunch it's time to find some dinner. You are tempted to try a new restaurant in the neighborhood so that perhaps you can suggest it to your working friends later on.

(5:30pm) You go to the tried and true restaurant of choice and order everything you've ever liked from there, because you're gonna need breakfast for the rest of the week.

(6:14pm) With your employed friends getting out of work you phone them up to see what they're doing/brag about your day. When they are too tired from work to hang out you brag some more and hang up.

(8:40pm) With the prime-time television starting you revel in the fact that "finally there's something good on TV" when you realize that it's repeats of things you've seen already, you continue watching.

(10:02pm) As you pass your old bedtime you become revitalized with the fact that you do not need to get up early the next day. With a ten-gallon-stride you march over to your computer to see what's new with the internet that you haven't seen before.

(3:45am) With tired eyes and a possible scarring for life you leave your computer. Your head brimming with wiki-facts you shuffle over to bed. You don't need to shower since you didn't really exert yourself today and whatever condition your mouth is in can stay that way until the morning, because seriously, it's too late to brush now.

Then you sleep. More soundly than you have slept in a long while. Maybe it's because there's no fear of the alarm which you already broke, maybe it's from sleep deprivation, but you will know it's because you are the ruler of your time.

(NOTE: All of the above activities are interchangeable with watching porn and playing video games)

Coming up on 2 years...

Hey all!

With our 2nd anniversary this coming Saturday, we've been working hard at preparing for another crazy adventure that we'll be sure to share with you --- camping!

Besides making packing lists and telling Zane he can't bring his XBox or our new Tivo, we're getting ready to roll out a whole new website full of all sorts of goodies!

In the meantime we thought you might like some oldies but goodies...

All about us

My favorite blog post

Our craziest adventure

Our genius cat

Feel free to comment and tell us which post you've loved most or to encourage Zane to lock this down now that it's been two years... just sayin'.

A Hers & His Announcement!

You may have noticed a lack of updates from us lately. Well, don't you worry! It's all for a good reason!

My fellow blogger (and life partner) Zane just got a full time job!

I am very proud of him and am excited for his new career. He will be doing post production work for a well established company that works with fashion video. I don't exactly know what that means, but I know that it's awesome!!!


Needless to say, he was shocked.

Congratulations love!

Dating with Balls (#7)

J
With lucky date number 7 on the horizon I thought what better time to try and grab some balls? Baseballs, that is. Zane's Dad has the hookup with Mets tickets, so we were able to enjoy our Mets for free, ensuring we got our money's worth.

Z
Not to put down the Yankees, especially after yesterday's loss but I have always aligned myself with the Mets. Baseball has always been a family outing for me; for as long as I can remember my father, grandfather and I have gone to Mets games. Always staying till the last pitch and almost never seeing them win. That is the extent of my affinity for baseball. As a game, I think baseball is best enjoyed in person or on the radio, ninety percent of televised games have about the same excitement as Antiques Road Show, minus the nifty tapestries.

J
My main goal for the date was to catch a foul ball, and with seats right along the 1st base line, there was a very high chance that it could happen. At least it kept me paying attention to the game the whole time. I am not what you'd call a baseball "fan" but I'd never turn down a chance to have a hot dog! When Zane and I first arrived, we decided to find some chow and cool off before making our way to our sauna-esque seats in the sun. Nothing says New York and summer more than a Nathan's hot dog, and never being one to be outdone, Zane's foot-long chili cheese dog kicked my puny dog's butt. In homage to Kobiatchi we did consume a total of 58 hot dogs, which at ballpark prices came out to about $1,000. But with those free cups of water to dunk the buns in, it made the experience very memorable. Well worth it.

Z
As an evangelical Jets fan, I live for football!...and Julie, of course...hi Julie. While I would insist on attending games regularly, my ill fortune has been flawless when attending "America's Better Pastime" as I have never seen them win. I'm a jinx - that must be it.

J
I wish I could tell you about the game, I think they lost. Hey, it's the Mets. But I did have a blast. I made friends (in my head) with the ball boy, shouting out "Anthony! Over here!" every time an unclaimed baseball appeared in his hands. I contemplated more lusty ways to get him to throw it to me, but with my date right next to me, I didn't want to make him jealous that I got a baseball and he didn't.

Z
People watching doesn't get much more fantastic than at a sporting event. There are the kids who are certain every swing of the bat will send a ball gently into their fun-size mitts, the drunks stealing seats in the front row, the hundreds of people waving like idiots whenever they catch-wind that their face is being projected somewhere, and of course the players.

Enter Josh Thole. Is he a great player or is he a great player? I haven't a clue. All I know his picture on the jumbo-tron is hilarious. "Josh Thole" I hear him saying like Matt Damon in Team America. What sort of selection process goes into choosing these pictures? They should really let their players compose themselves a little after a nap before taking the picture that will be shown to thousands of people multiple times nightly.

J
Another tactic of mine during the date was to befriend the right fielder (is that right? I just called him "the guy out there"). Maybe he would throw me a ball. Sure, it might still be in play, but that'd be fine. I can handle a little camera time. I learned his name was Jeff so I heckled him as much as possible without fully annoying those around me. You'd think all these tactics of mine would work, heck, from the sounds of my story telling I feel there should be a proud picture of me with a baseball at the end, but I don't want to get your hopes up. Zane promised when we got home he would throw my t-shirts at me with great force and make the "FFFFFFFTTTTTOOM!" noise of the t-shirt guns. That's love.

During the date I may have talked too much. I never get out to sporting events much so I often have too many questions, or rather comments about what's going on or who is scratching what or spitting where. Either way, I'd like to publicly apologize to Zane for being "That Girl." Luckily we had two even worse "That Girl"s behind us in the stands, who were busy trying to capture the best angle of David Wright's butt on their iPhones. They made it very entertaining.

Z
Julie's favorite subject to gab about was how one of the beer venders looked exactly like David Blaine (to her). Having been the only one to catch a glimpse of him in the first inning her description of him made him out to be just as mysterious as the real illusionist. When the chance finally arrived, this poor beer boy only looked vaguely like the ice-inhibiter. As Julie snapped picture after picture of him as he served the patrons sitting next to us, I couldn't help but imagine the real David Blaine in that profession.

Z
"Yes I'll take a beer."

DB
"It's already in your stomach."

J
The game went on the full 9 innings and at about the 7th I realized how rarely we stay out so late anymore. Fighting off yawns and the occasional head nod, I could have done with a couple less at bats. It made it easier to deal with the sleepies by having such a great date next to me. Being out in a new environment with the excitement of thousands of others around us gave this date that little spark of something new. Hand-in-hand navigating our way through the mobs at the end, it was nice to know that even if our team lost, we were the true winners. Another date under our belts and another evening of getting closer and sharing in something fun and out of the box.

Zane's Review

Baseball games make for a perfect setting for a great date. While games can run a bit long, it helps if you both are okay with staying for the same amount of time. Pro tip for early daters: there is an off-shot chance where you will get on the Kiss Cam. It is the most perfect segue into a first kiss ever devised. Just don't do what my other grandfather did on their first date with my grandmother and get tickets on opposite sides of the stadium. Then again seeing them now, maybe he knew exactly what he was doing.

For first daters to long time daters I give this 9.75 "innings before you will get the itch to take the date on the road" out of 10

Julie's Review
Tight Pants + Cups = Great Date. It was a combination of "Wow! We're so close to the action!" and "OMG We could get really hurt if a fly ball came our way!" The adrenaline rush made it a ton of fun. To top it all off, our pals could see us on TV every time a play happened in our little corner of the field. An evening in the warm summer air and overpriced food were just what the doctor ordered to make this a perfect summertime date. I recommend it for sports and non-sports fans alike, and if you see Jeff from the Mets, let him know he owes me a baseball. 10 out of 10.

Happy Drawn Thursday!

As of late yesterday I was considering foregoing this week's comic, but after a brief brainstorm I couldn't help but make it. I hope you enjoy it!

HERS AND HIS DRAWN!

I'll be returning soon with more textual content soon!

Summer Lovin'... Date #6

J
What do two pasty kids do to offend thousands of sun worshippers on a blistering hot day? Why go to the beach of course! This week Zane and I dragged our heat stroked selves to the sands of Jones Beach, a nearby oasis on Long Island to soak up some sun.

Z
Nothing says 100-degree heat wave like sitting half-naked on a plot of sand. Like many other activities mentioned in these date reviews, I am not much of a beach person. I don't mean to sound so "glass half empty" but after many evenings creeping myself out with pictures of deep sea monsters, the thought of the ocean (and subsequently "beaches") spurs imagines of murky deeps, hiding such nightmarish creatures such as the Siphonophores and the Angler Fish.

J
Slathered in sunscreen and armed with a picnic basket of treats, we were ready to go. Being city dwellers, we of course did not have true beach going gear. Bathing suits yes, but beach towels? Nah. We used an old tablecloth. Flip-flops for Zane? Nah. Nothing's cooler that brushing sand out of your tube socks. Boogie board? Nah, we're more game board people.

Z
Aside from standing at the water's edge and letting the breaking waves try their best to knock me over, beach visits for me often amount to timing my next snack and keeping the blanket as sand free as possible. As OCD as it may sound it has always been a great way to keep busy while my fellow beach goers lay still, offering up their bare bronzed bodies to Ra, the sun god.

J
We amused ourselves with endless games of Monopoly Deal, and watched as the surrounding sun worshippers baked to a crisp even George Hamilton would envy. Of course there were your typical beach bums, clad in Speedos and natural fur coats Darwin spoke of us shedding. I found it hard to compete with some of the women shipped in from what could only be Brazil - teeny bodies, teenier suits. But more on them later.

Z
Unlike beach visits in the past, this time I was fortunate to have a fine bikini-clad lady by my side. Long gone are my days as an awkward teen, nervously scanning for any brawny Steve McGarretts looking to steal my girl. Now I sit back and relish in Julie's head-turning abilities. Envy aside, Julie was the perfect distraction for my boney, Casper-hued complexion.

J
This being our first beach trip ever, we felt like giving ourselves a leg up against the sun by not arriving until 4pm. Some may scoff but I thought it was the best! People cleared out a bit and sunscreen need only be applied once, if not being optional altogether. For a person who turns into a lobster from just thinking about the outdoors, I appreciated this.

While the weather was steamy, the water stayed frigid as often happens in the Northeast. I remember vacations to the Carolinas with water as welcoming as a bath drawn by your cabana boy. But this day the ocean more likened the icy drink the cabana boy’s jealous ex would throw at him for drawing you that bath. "How dare you!" the water spat at my relief-seeking toes.

Not wanting to step on a jellyfish and refusing to remove my eyeglasses, I was more than happy to lounge in the sand and soak up the view. The water was so filled with people it reminded me of that scene in Titanic, but with more whistle blowing. The lifeguards tried to contain the countless bodies but really seemed more interested in their bronzed muscles. (Which I don't blame them for.)

Z
It was tough holding back urges to steal some child's tools to build my own sand castle, or to surprise Julie by burying her up for her neck in sand. Fortunately there were plenty of good sights to take in to keep the afternoon entertaining, among them the slew of people who should never be shirtless and those who should always be.

At the beach, there are fashion choices you would never see anywhere else. One in particular was a buxom woman clad in a white fishnet dress, over a thong bikini. As she and her meathead boyfriend were likely thinking "this outfit is hot!" but as a casual onlooker I could only think of the unsightly sunburn it would leave. Cross-checkered and beet red like a Christmas Ham she would attempt, in vain, to lather the sore diamonds with lotion as her man freaks out that she might get aloe on the interior of his Dodge Charger.

J
Ladies, if you go to the beach with your man, why do you always look like you're there to pick up someone else? Answer: 'Cuz it works. I sat amazed, feigning interest in some story Zane was telling as I watched mesh dress/thong lady somehow get another guy to come over to her and her boyfriend to "personally train" "them." In my mind they had never met before and this ballsy trainer guy swooped in and third-wheel-style stole that guy's girl. Either that or I was watching the appetizer portion of a three-way.

Julie's Review:
Hot weather aside, Zane and I had a great time ogling each other and those around us. We walked hand in hand into the sunset on our way back to the car. All in all it was a sweet date (minus all the boob shots he "accidentally" took with the camera) and I would love to do it again! 8.5 out of 10

Zane's Review:
As a noted opponent to beach bumming I had a very nice time with Julie sitting on the beach for a few hours. Whether swimming, or just simmering, an afternoon at the beach can be a great prelude to a romantic evening. Whether it's the salty sea air, seeing your honey wearing the equivalent of underwear in public, or the sea monsters plotting your imminent demise, hanging out at the beach gives an atmosphere that is second to none and offers up a nearly limitless array of activities that could feasibly all cause some accidental nudity. For new and old daters alike I give this 9 1/2 "Great reasons to spend time in your underwear in public" out of 10.

Hers and His Drawn #005

"Better late than never!" That's what I always say. Especially after a scare. Here's a drawing!

COMIC

It's that mushy time of year again...

Today in history...

Bernie Madoff began serving his 150 year sentence. (2009)

James Frances Whalen was born. (1985)

Billie the Kid was shot and killed. (1881)

Zane and Julie met. (2008)


To honor Bernie Madoff's demise, I mean... the 2nd annual love fest for Zane... it's time for a survey!


How did it all begin? Pity. I bailed on a fun party to show up to my friend James' party that didn't have any guests yet.

Where did you meet? Outside the Beer Garden in Astoria, NY.

When did you meet? July 14, 2008 mid-afternoon

Was it love at first sight? It was sassy lust.

How old were you both? He was 22 and I was 24.

When did you have your first kiss? Weeks later once he finally broke up with his girlfriend.

Where was your first date? The entire lower half of Manhattan with highlights in Union Square and on the Brooklyn Bridge.

How long until you met the parents? August 25th 2008, so a solid month. We all moved him together. True bonding happens over hauling stuff.

When was it official? August 21st 2008 Once he finally wore me down enough to allow him to call himself my boyfriend.

The good...

Whats your happiest memory of him? Painting my old apartment in women's underwear so he wouldn't get paint on his own clothes.

Whats the sweetest thing he has ever done for you? The dishes.

Does he buy you lots of gifts? He showers me with thoughtful acts all the time.

Whats your favorite thing to do together? Explore a new area.

When did you know you were falling in love? When he made me a mixed CD but told me to "replace all the 'loves' with 'likes' since there aren't enough songs out there to express his level of feelings."

Who said I love you first? He cheated and told me "I glove shoes."

Is it true love? Well it's not liar love.

How do you know this? I googled it.


The bad...

Whats his worst habit? Hanging around people like me.

What annoys you about him? The fact that there's nothing that annoys me about him.

Has he ever hurt you badly? No, only enough to not show bruises.

Would he ever cheat? Only at Boggle.

Has he ever cheated? Only at Boggle. Like when he began a game without telling me just so he had a better chance at winning.

Do you trust him? As far as I can throw him, and luckily he's pretty light.

The ugly....

Best facial feature? His single dimple. My nose can't help but nestle into it.

Favorite part of his body? His cupid's bow, commonly referred to as his "wibble wobble" which is quite irresistable when he has a moustache and I have the urge to wiggle it with my finger.

Hair color? Jewish

What does he smell of? Video games and happiness.

What's he wearing when you picture him in your head? A sassy shirt.

Intimacy...

How do you feel when he holds you? Squirmy.

How do you feel when you fall asleep and wake up in his arms? Surprised.

How does it feel when he touches you? Slimey.

Does his touch give you goose bumps? Like the ice cold grip of Death.

Does he kiss your neck? No, he's team Jacob.

Deep and meaningfull...

Could you be without him? Yes. While I'm at work, going to the bathroom, in a plane, on a train.

Do you think about him constantly when you're apart? Sometimes I wonder if he'll ever leave.

How long have you been together? 2 years! And I can say that without the obligatory "trying to make it longer than it has been to somehow validate our relationship."

Can you see a future together? There's more? I thought our contract limited us to a two year stint, perhaps Z has renewed us for another season.

Would you like to get married? Only for the excuse to watch more wedding shows on TV.

Have children? We have one cat who we refer to as our "fur baby."

Where can you see your relationship in a year's time? Me doing another survey with only slightly different answers.

Do you know there is definitly no-one better out there for you? A teenager definitely created these questions... I have been correcting they're spelling and grammetical errors this hole time. And yes, it somehow doesn't get any better than Zane.

How do you know this? I have dated everyone else in the universe.

Are you scared he might find someone better? I'm pretty confident he would have jumped ship a long time ago.

Is he your best friend as well as your lover? Yes, we have Best Friends necklaces. He's "Be Fri" and I'm "st ends".

Does he come first over everyone else in your life? Cat, Mom, My Car, Zane.

Would you die for him? Since he'd be the one pushing me, sure.

On a lighter note...

Whats the funniest thing you have ever done together? Been molested for our anniversary.

Say something that only you two understand: Leopard Convention

Do you have nick names for each other?

Does he make you laugh? More than anyone else I know.

Do you wrestle? UFC style.

His Favorites...

Food? Whatever I make for dinner.
Drink? Jack Daniels. Or water.
Sport? Football- Jets.
Past time? Magic: The Gathering
Animal? Buster.
Aftershave? Whatever his Mom bought him 5 years ago.
Clothing style? See above.
Band? Ececletic new things.
Music? Modern chill.

Your things....

Song? Saving it for the wedding. (To avoid complaints)
Place to hang out? At home.
Meal to cook together? Calzones.

Lasts...

Time you saw him? This morning before work.
Kissed him? This morning before work.
Spoke to him? Nope, I refuse to speak to him.
The last text he sent you? Debating my idea to purchase Cranium on a gift card.

When will you...

See him again? In 30 minutes if I play my cards right.
Tell him you love him again? When he earns it.

Have you ever...?

Spent the night together? No. He normally goes to the car to sleep at night.
Celebrated a holiday together? Every one since the beginning... pretty much.
Made him cry? I tell him they are happy tears.
Done anything spontaneous together? As often as possible.

Giving Love a Shot

When I asked Zane to pack a little more heat in our dates, I think he misheard me. Because Sunday morning I found myself being led to a mystery location for a mystery activity and all I knew was to “dress modestly” and “people may touch you but you won’t touch people.” What sort of religious orgy was he bringing me to?? Well, let me tell you, he brought me to a house of worship all right, the Republican house of worship.

Whenever the subject of marriage is broached in the Hers and His household I am always quick to spout out one of my favorite demeaning write offs "yeah, maybe if you held a gun to my face.." Living in accordance to my family's motto "Put up or shut up." I decided to give Julie a fair shot.

I may not be an expert on romance, but after running the gambit of dating, from dance lessons to a pleasant stroll I decided it was time for a more aggressive approach.

As my stomach started to turn the closer we got (and I didn’t even know who we would be surrounded by yet!) Zane began to apologize for whatever was about to happen. When I saw the Pistol Range sign I felt a sense of relief that the Catholic priest swinger party I had imagined was just a figment of my imagination. But if you look closely, the fear still remained in my eyes. Guns?! You brought me to GUNS?!

In the basement of 20 20th Street, Julie's surprise was about to blow her away. The Westside Rifle and Pistol Range was the last place I expected to find myself when starting this ten date program, though here we are, five dates in and I must admit, it was probably the most fun one yet.

Living in New York City you have to work around two things: stray bullets and the lack of fields. So when you get the itch to attempt skeet shooting, you have to be a bit more flexible, but you leave a little more eager to visit Harlem. Not to be a hater of gun toters, I just personally am not pleased to be around loaded weapons designed to kill others. As a kid, I found a loaded gun in an abandoned jacket at an after school job and the safety was off. Luckily nothing worse happened, but I still can’t fathom why they let that careless man have his weapon back with just a slap on the wrist and a “gee, you really shouldn’t be leaving that around.” Needless to say… guns… eek.

As I'm sure most of you are questioning "Why Zane, why? You bloodthirsty murderer, why are you soiling this sweet dating site with such aggressive violence?"

Truth is I have never been a fan of guns. As a lifelong (video) gamer I have been "around" guns plenty, more or less. My socio-political ideals aside I have never supported the existence of armaments in this modern civilization, but when I saw the skeet shooting date idea, I knew I had found my wild and crazy secret date to surprise Julie with.

Being that this was our first time there, we had to take a safety course.

So back to me slapping on a smile as I sat through class learning how to put the clip in my rifle. Luckily some bimbo looking waif was in class too to make me look a little more experienced. Unlucky for Zane, she was sitting right behind him as she inspected her (unloaded – phew!) rifle pointed right at his head. The instructor was thorough and a bit monotonous as we must have been his millionth class of kids who just want to try something “cool.”

Our fellow class members put us at ease over our newbie status. Having previously warned Julie the necessity of modest clothing it came as a bit of a surprise when the other woman there showed up in a dress and flip flops.

I wish I could have taken a picture of him, or the waif, but we were forbidden from taking pictures of others. The range is one of the most popular places for cops to practice their shooting, and we were not to disclose any of their identities. So… in lieu of a picture, let me describe our instructor: Elmer Fudd meets Jesse James. He could not have been more than 5 feet, had a face almost uncanny to Fudd, but covered neck to I could only assume toe, in tattoos. If this was not enough description, I have made a picture for your viewing pleasure. Zane has confirmed that this indeed is his spitting image.

After we signed away any of the rifle range’s responsibilities if I shoot myself or they shoot me or that bimbo shoots Zane, we were good to go. My hands had finally stopped shaking from holding the fake rifle just in time to wield the real thing. The simple steps that had been engrained in our minds made the procedure of pretend killing people much easier: clip in, pull the thing that makes the “woosh” noise, aim, safety off, kill. Repeating these over and over, I easily forgot all the worry I had brought into this date. Then I was able to let the fun begin.

I must admit, seeing Zane kicking butt with a big ol’ rifle was a little hot. The chain locking the rifle end to the tabletop so it only had about a foot of movement didn’t hurt. I finally chose to accept we were in a safe environment and focused on the target: being a better shot than Zane.

I have always discredited arguments claiming that video games train kids to be murderers, but after shooting 47 bulls-eyes out of 50 shots, I may need to rethink my position. Of course it could also be attributed to my great eyesight... Moral of the story: Avoid your carrots, kids.

After 10 hand-packed clips of 5 bullets each, I was pretty impressed. I had actually hit the target, nay, the bullseye! And multiple times. I finished with a bit of a contact high of lead dust and wearing really dorky goggles over my glasses. Might I note, the smell of fired bullets brought me back to playing in the woods as children with cap guns and that sulfuric odor when the caps exploded. Was I getting nostalgic over guns? Well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. But I felt like a bit of a rock star.

Having lived in the city for almost six years, you would think I'd know the sound of a gun shot by heart; well it wasn't until I heard the shots fired at the range that I knew, yes, I have always known what gun shots sounded like. The sound can be unnerving to some date goers, especially those who have been shot themselves. After an hour at the range it all becomes eerily comfortable. Still, it was nerve-racking using the bathroom on the way out and hearing shots echo through the hallway where Julie was waiting for me.

Zane and I definitely bonded over the wild adventure he had gotten us into! We left armed in armed, I mean, arm in arm, and headed to Jamba Juice for something a little tamer. As we left the most manly of locations and stepped onto the street, a man in nail polish and a tube top passed by and we had officially entered the twilight zone. Correction, we were just LEAVING the twilight zone and re-entered the typical lower Manhattan streets. Well that, and the Gay Pride Parade was in full swing. It was just what I needed to wash off whatever was left of Republican on me and round out the day.

Julie’s Review: Definitely something new! You would never think to do this as a date, well, I guess you did since it’s on the site – but I really recommend it! If not real guns, then at least a carnival game. The adrenaline boost that it gives you is great for romance and it makes you much closer after sharing the experience. While I still don’t feel pro-guns, I at least now know how they work and how to shoot an attacker if he has a big target on his chest. A+ and 10 out of 10.

Zane's Review -

This actually makes for an amazing date! The staff of Westside Rifle and Pistol Range were about as newbie-friendly as you will find. This is a great date for guys looking to display their manhood, and for ladies who want to show that they can handle their own. For first dates, I give this 1 "likely deal-breaker" out of 10. Though, for anyone who knows their partner well I give it 9 1/2 "This is what I think of your ugly throw pillows!" out of 10.

Hers and His Drawn #4! NEW SITE!

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So Julie REALLY wants to be in my family, huh? Episode 1

If Julie ever hopes to one day join my family she is going to have to learn to love my past. Not 'my' past per se but my ancestors'. This installment of Hers and His showcases one of my well known ancestors

Warren Gamaliel Harding, the 29th President of the United States.

Thought by many (before 2001) as the worst President in America's history, Harding is my great great great Uncle (on my mother's side). While Wikipedia has assured me that the title of "Worst President" was achieved scantly through his own actions and much more through those of his cabinet, I still take pride in knowing I'm related to someone who is considered the best at something (even if it's the best at being the worst). As you can probably guess after reading some of my posts that Harding was known for having terrible grammar. Upon Harding's death in 1923, E.E. Cummings was quoted as saying "The only man, woman or child who wrote a simple declarative sentence with seven grammatical errors is dead."

As a child I had a poster in my room of all the presidents. Despite having had it laminated it was one of these sheets with dotted perforations to separate each president creating something of a flimsy baseball card. On the back where a few stats about their presidency along with a famous quote. Lo and behold my dear great great great Uncle will forever be known by children with that poster, as the guy who said "I knew this job would be too much for me."

While the telling of his story is often fraught with scathing remarks about his poor grammar and his corrupt staff, I like to look at it in a much more positive light. Apparently Warren G. Harding was the first president to visit Alaska while in office. Sure that's where he died, but still. Also I relish in the fact that he invented the word "normalcy" (see, it's even in spell check!). So what if it's just a bastardized version of the word "normality" it is technically a word.

A few others facts:

• He officially ended World War I
• Overcame the Depression of 1920-1921
• Kept liquor in the White House during the Prohibition.
• Appears as the eighth link when Googling "Warren G" the other seven are of the rapper.
• Created laws to combat the KKK when it was at its most prevalent.

Note from the Author: When I first started writing this post I meant to make it the first of a series chronicling all my powerful and important ancestors. Having a large printed family tree from my mother's side, we happened to find out that we are related to a great deal of royalty. However, this post took a turn. In my search for answers, I happened upon a cart on the sidewalk selling black erotica. Sitting between Ride Wit' Me and a Zane novel was the small red pamphlet that changed my life.

In the interest of good journalism, at the expense of "good" journalism I'm claiming this right now without actually having read it yet:

I AM BLACK.

According to my sources* this 18 page booklet contains lofty claims that Warren G. Harding, as well as four other American Presidents are of African decent. Sure, this is all pretty much moot seeing as we all descended from Africa, but either way that'd make me a couple hundred thousand years closer.

The proof is in the pudding, the choc... no I'm not going to use this as leeway to start making jokes in poor taste. Apparently the man pictured on the cover of the book along with Warren is his Grand Uncle Oliver. Stricken with a disease that made him 1/5 the size of a normal man while remaining proportionate... just kidding. In the interest of statistics here is how I've just blindly rated my ethnic background.

Now what should Julie think? Not only am I related to one of the worst Presidents in history, but also the first black President, and the worst black President at that!

Perhaps now I have a chance at avoiding becoming one of those corny old white dads that everyone rolls there eyes at.

*Amazon customer reviews.

Moments I realized I was an adult

As I'm rounding the corner to 30 (I know, I know... WAY far away still!) I realized something the other day... the days of being irresponsible and blaming it on the ignorance of youth are over. So I've compiled the following list of moments when I realized I was an adult. Enjoy!

• When I voluntarily purchase my first green pepper.
• When I didn't get carded at the bar.
• When the toddler grocery bagger "ma'am"ed me and I appreciated the respect.
• The fact that I refuse to purchase anything at the store unless my rewards card is swiped.
• Comparing unit costs on my frozen vegetables.
• Calling my mom to double check a recipe.
• Being expected to bring something to a family gathering... I thought I was gift enough?
• Watching Glee for the first (and only) time and being more attracted to the teacher than the students.
• When a carton of ice cream can last me more than a week.
• When children stopped seeing me as a peer and started looking at me like an authoritative figure.
• When cashing in my bottles for nickels brings me great joy.
• When the clock strikes midnight at a party and I am anxiously awaiting being in my pajamas.
• No longer knowing how any movie ends because I fall asleep 10 minutes in.
• Signing up for a 401k.
• Understanding that 401k is not the latest "MLB 2K Sports" edition.
• When people assume we are married instead of dating.
• When asked how many kids I have.
• Every time I see my mom when I look in the mirror.
• Using words like "meetings" and "my career."
• When summer stopped meaning vacation time and started meaning longingly gazing out my office window.