The Gift of Giving Gifts

In every serious relationship, events involving customary gift giving are always treacherous. Gifts not only show your loved ones you care, but just how much. I appreciate those who feel that the incorporation of gifts in a relationship is just groveling at the alter of the materialism god, but for the rest of us, you must keep in mind that "not doing anything this year" is a bold faced lie.

With this past week being Julie and my two year anniversary, we have had many occasions to draw upon when advising people in the appropriate gift giving scenario. I feel that in our short history we have had a 99% success rate on gifts (minus the "#1 Patriots Fan" Jersey Julie made me, and yes, I'm deducting for the thought in particular).

There are some key elements you should focus on when searching for the perfect gift.

1. Listen - I'm not talking about listening for cues so that you can interject a canned "uh huh" or "I said that bitch is crazy". I mean pick up on the hobbies/desires of your partner, as well as the obvious clues. If your man has ever shouted "I sure would like to have this on DVD" as he watched the Golden Girls, that is a pretty clear indicator that he would be thrilled to open it on Shabbos. (note: rule does not necessarily apply to moments of intoxication).

2. Go all out - Unless you're on a joint budget with your giftee, there is really no harm in doing it up big, because more often than not, they're sort of worth it. Nothing quite says I love you like living without electricity for a month to say it.

3. Think outside the box - Sure, Julie will tell you that she'd want nothing more than something in a small velvet box, but where is the fun in that!? There are the old standbys, flowers, jewelry, a life-sized portrait of yourself; and while those options are all well and good, they lack any real thought or emotion. Do something that says "I know you. I've been watching you." Things that you know they would like but not necessarily everyone else would. That's why it helps to...

4. Think practical - There are things you can wear and things you need in your day-to-day life, but then there are those things you never knew you needed. Ones that would change your life for the better and make you question how you lived without it. It's the kind of thing your partner will hold onto forever, yes it may stick around longer than you, but at least the next schmuck has to look at it everyday.

Be wary though, entering the world of the hobbyist can be a tricky place. Whether they're a novice sculptor or a seasoned model trains enthusiast, there may be distinct level of precision necessary for purchasing just the right item. But above all else...

5. Be practical - Ok so she said "sailing would be nice." For the love of the materialism god don't surprise her with a 18' schooner (unless you live on the water or have an unusually large pool). Burdening your loved one with equipment that needs care, maintenance and space is a sure-fire way to find yourself sleeping on a boat.

Basically all I'm trying to say is, just don't buy them exercise equipment unless they explicitly say something like "I would like to purchase exercise equipment in the near future." With a little care and a lot of attention you can pull off the grace and success of Santa Claus, without all the pervy voyeurism.