In every serious relationship, events involving customary gift giving are always treacherous. Gifts not only show your loved ones you care, but just how much. I appreciate those who feel that the incorporation of gifts in a relationship is just groveling at the alter of the materialism god, but for the rest of us, you must keep in mind that "not doing anything this year" is a bold faced lie.
With this past week being Julie and my two year anniversary, we have had many occasions to draw upon when advising people in the appropriate gift giving scenario. I feel that in our short history we have had a 99% success rate on gifts (minus the "#1 Patriots Fan" Jersey Julie made me, and yes, I'm deducting for the thought in particular).
There are some key elements you should focus on when searching for the perfect gift.
1. Listen - I'm not talking about listening for cues so that you can interject a canned "uh huh" or "I said that bitch is crazy". I mean pick up on the hobbies/desires of your partner, as well as the obvious clues. If your man has ever shouted "I sure would like to have this on DVD" as he watched the Golden Girls, that is a pretty clear indicator that he would be thrilled to open it on Shabbos. (note: rule does not necessarily apply to moments of intoxication).
2. Go all out - Unless you're on a joint budget with your giftee, there is really no harm in doing it up big, because more often than not, they're sort of worth it. Nothing quite says I love you like living without electricity for a month to say it.
3. Think outside the box - Sure, Julie will tell you that she'd want nothing more than something in a small velvet box, but where is the fun in that!? There are the old standbys, flowers, jewelry, a life-sized portrait of yourself; and while those options are all well and good, they lack any real thought or emotion. Do something that says "I know you. I've been watching you." Things that you know they would like but not necessarily everyone else would. That's why it helps to...
4. Think practical - There are things you can wear and things you need in your day-to-day life, but then there are those things you never knew you needed. Ones that would change your life for the better and make you question how you lived without it. It's the kind of thing your partner will hold onto forever, yes it may stick around longer than you, but at least the next schmuck has to look at it everyday.
Be wary though, entering the world of the hobbyist can be a tricky place. Whether they're a novice sculptor or a seasoned model trains enthusiast, there may be distinct level of precision necessary for purchasing just the right item. But above all else...
5. Be practical - Ok so she said "sailing would be nice." For the love of the materialism god don't surprise her with a 18' schooner (unless you live on the water or have an unusually large pool). Burdening your loved one with equipment that needs care, maintenance and space is a sure-fire way to find yourself sleeping on a boat.
Basically all I'm trying to say is, just don't buy them exercise equipment unless they explicitly say something like "I would like to purchase exercise equipment in the near future." With a little care and a lot of attention you can pull off the grace and success of Santa Claus, without all the pervy voyeurism.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
The Engagement Trials
When you've been together for two years people don't seem to know how to treat you. One side is clamoring to know what date to save, while the other side scoffs at you for taking things too seriously "Oh you're still so new to this." (italicized for smugness). Depending on your first thought to reading "Engagement" in the title of this post can determine which category you fit into.
Julie has promised on multiple occasions to refrain from forcing the issue of marriage. That hasn't stopped her from including me in her daily Guess who I know who just got engaged? mailing list, each post-scripted with "not that I'm telling you to rush or anything."
You see, since the beginning I have been undergoing Julie's test of might: Her way of observing/grooming me into the perfect mate. She has told me many times that I am doing well enough to finish, if I wanted. Unfortunately for Julie, my desire for winning is slightly over-matched by my enjoyment of watching her sweat it out. Still I do take pride in knowing that I have almost passed all her critiques.
Employed ::check::
Financially stable ::check::
Has realistic aspirations ::check::
Adheres to the dirty dish stacking protocol ::check::
Maintains an equal disdain for all things ventriloquist ::check::
Knows how to write/use spell check ::check::
Ok with never doing karaoke ::check::
Can beat her at Boggle _____
There is a discrepancy with this last rule: Julie claims that she stated that I merely had to know how to play Boggle, not actually defeat her at it. Being the fair and balanced person that I am, it is only right that I honor my misunderstanding and insist that beating her fair and square is the only way to pass the jumbled word challenge. Now, I will not go into detail on how the game is played since, for some reason, it is far too complicated for half of the dating populace to comprehend.
I will say this though: I will fight tooth and nail to win. As far as anyone who has ever played her in the past is concerned, Julie is the grand master of Boggle. The only time she has experienced any resemblance of a loss was when I woke her up mid-way through a surpise game. Even then I only won by a paltry six points.
I don't have any serious tests of my own aside form:
Hot
Pretty smart
Pretty
Has the capacity to enjoy nerdy things
As it stands, this little 5x5 grid of plastic lettered dice is the only thing standing between us and an eternity of commitment. For now I'm just happy to be with her under my own accord.
Here's to two years being together, just because we want to.
Love you J
Julie has promised on multiple occasions to refrain from forcing the issue of marriage. That hasn't stopped her from including me in her daily Guess who I know who just got engaged? mailing list, each post-scripted with "not that I'm telling you to rush or anything."
You see, since the beginning I have been undergoing Julie's test of might: Her way of observing/grooming me into the perfect mate. She has told me many times that I am doing well enough to finish, if I wanted. Unfortunately for Julie, my desire for winning is slightly over-matched by my enjoyment of watching her sweat it out. Still I do take pride in knowing that I have almost passed all her critiques.
Employed ::check::
Financially stable ::check::
Has realistic aspirations ::check::
Adheres to the dirty dish stacking protocol ::check::
Maintains an equal disdain for all things ventriloquist ::check::
Knows how to write/use spell check ::check::
Ok with never doing karaoke ::check::
Can beat her at Boggle _____
There is a discrepancy with this last rule: Julie claims that she stated that I merely had to know how to play Boggle, not actually defeat her at it. Being the fair and balanced person that I am, it is only right that I honor my misunderstanding and insist that beating her fair and square is the only way to pass the jumbled word challenge. Now, I will not go into detail on how the game is played since, for some reason, it is far too complicated for half of the dating populace to comprehend.
I will say this though: I will fight tooth and nail to win. As far as anyone who has ever played her in the past is concerned, Julie is the grand master of Boggle. The only time she has experienced any resemblance of a loss was when I woke her up mid-way through a surpise game. Even then I only won by a paltry six points.
I don't have any serious tests of my own aside form:
Hot
Pretty smart
Pretty
Has the capacity to enjoy nerdy things
As it stands, this little 5x5 grid of plastic lettered dice is the only thing standing between us and an eternity of commitment. For now I'm just happy to be with her under my own accord.
Here's to two years being together, just because we want to.
Love you J
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Life Unemployed
Over the previous seven months I enjoyed the freedom and crushing depression of unemployment. For any of you out there considering trying it for yourself, I would advise waiting until someone (namely your current employer) makes that decision for you. Regardless of your means to end up in a position of joblessness, there are a few things to consider in order to be mentally prepared for your new found free-time.
With your 24/7 "Me Time" you will experience so much unbridled futzing-around you literally won't know what to do with yourself.
Take up skateboarding?
Learn an instrument?
Go all Kobiashi on the snacks in your house?
After just a few weeks devoid of responsibility, you will find yourself creating a daily schedule of your favorite time wasters.
(10am) Be awoken by the alarm. Ready to greet the day you slide over and gently hit the snooze button. "In five minutes I'll be able to spring out of bed"
(10:35am) After hitting the snooze button several more times you find the alarm clock to be of no use to you anymore. Your plans to make the most of the day now take a back seat to "get the most out of your most recent dream"
(12:30pm) Free from the clutches of the chirping clock beside your bed you rise like a freshly bitten zombie.
(12:45pm) Without the constraints of "when" and "what" can be considered breakfast, you fulfill all your dreams on one plate. Leftover Chinese and an ice cream sandwich? Sounds delightful!
(2:10pm) Daytime television never looked so good. You welcome your new friends Paul Williams and Phyllis Newman, and the other Young and Restless people like yourself. You attentively try your best to figure out who's sleeping with whom, and just exactly which one is the "evil" twin.
(3:40pm) After alphabetizing your DVD collection yields bland results you then attempt to sort them chronologically according to when you first heard about them.
(4:20pm) You do nothing at all.
(4:45pm) You finally muster up the strength to check for mail. You are not expecting anything, but the act of doing something you don't entirely want to gives you the feeling of accomplishment.
(5:25pm) Although you technically didn't have lunch it's time to find some dinner. You are tempted to try a new restaurant in the neighborhood so that perhaps you can suggest it to your working friends later on.
(5:30pm) You go to the tried and true restaurant of choice and order everything you've ever liked from there, because you're gonna need breakfast for the rest of the week.
(6:14pm) With your employed friends getting out of work you phone them up to see what they're doing/brag about your day. When they are too tired from work to hang out you brag some more and hang up.
(8:40pm) With the prime-time television starting you revel in the fact that "finally there's something good on TV" when you realize that it's repeats of things you've seen already, you continue watching.
(10:02pm) As you pass your old bedtime you become revitalized with the fact that you do not need to get up early the next day. With a ten-gallon-stride you march over to your computer to see what's new with the internet that you haven't seen before.
(3:45am) With tired eyes and a possible scarring for life you leave your computer. Your head brimming with wiki-facts you shuffle over to bed. You don't need to shower since you didn't really exert yourself today and whatever condition your mouth is in can stay that way until the morning, because seriously, it's too late to brush now.
Then you sleep. More soundly than you have slept in a long while. Maybe it's because there's no fear of the alarm which you already broke, maybe it's from sleep deprivation, but you will know it's because you are the ruler of your time.
With your 24/7 "Me Time" you will experience so much unbridled futzing-around you literally won't know what to do with yourself.
Take up skateboarding?
Learn an instrument?
Go all Kobiashi on the snacks in your house?
After just a few weeks devoid of responsibility, you will find yourself creating a daily schedule of your favorite time wasters.
(10am) Be awoken by the alarm. Ready to greet the day you slide over and gently hit the snooze button. "In five minutes I'll be able to spring out of bed"
(10:35am) After hitting the snooze button several more times you find the alarm clock to be of no use to you anymore. Your plans to make the most of the day now take a back seat to "get the most out of your most recent dream"
(12:30pm) Free from the clutches of the chirping clock beside your bed you rise like a freshly bitten zombie.
(12:45pm) Without the constraints of "when" and "what" can be considered breakfast, you fulfill all your dreams on one plate. Leftover Chinese and an ice cream sandwich? Sounds delightful!
(2:10pm) Daytime television never looked so good. You welcome your new friends Paul Williams and Phyllis Newman, and the other Young and Restless people like yourself. You attentively try your best to figure out who's sleeping with whom, and just exactly which one is the "evil" twin.
(3:40pm) After alphabetizing your DVD collection yields bland results you then attempt to sort them chronologically according to when you first heard about them.
(4:20pm) You do nothing at all.
(4:45pm) You finally muster up the strength to check for mail. You are not expecting anything, but the act of doing something you don't entirely want to gives you the feeling of accomplishment.
(5:25pm) Although you technically didn't have lunch it's time to find some dinner. You are tempted to try a new restaurant in the neighborhood so that perhaps you can suggest it to your working friends later on.
(5:30pm) You go to the tried and true restaurant of choice and order everything you've ever liked from there, because you're gonna need breakfast for the rest of the week.
(6:14pm) With your employed friends getting out of work you phone them up to see what they're doing/brag about your day. When they are too tired from work to hang out you brag some more and hang up.
(8:40pm) With the prime-time television starting you revel in the fact that "finally there's something good on TV" when you realize that it's repeats of things you've seen already, you continue watching.
(10:02pm) As you pass your old bedtime you become revitalized with the fact that you do not need to get up early the next day. With a ten-gallon-stride you march over to your computer to see what's new with the internet that you haven't seen before.
(3:45am) With tired eyes and a possible scarring for life you leave your computer. Your head brimming with wiki-facts you shuffle over to bed. You don't need to shower since you didn't really exert yourself today and whatever condition your mouth is in can stay that way until the morning, because seriously, it's too late to brush now.
Then you sleep. More soundly than you have slept in a long while. Maybe it's because there's no fear of the alarm which you already broke, maybe it's from sleep deprivation, but you will know it's because you are the ruler of your time.
(NOTE: All of the above activities are interchangeable with watching porn and playing video games)
Monday, August 16, 2010
Coming up on 2 years...
Hey all!
With our 2nd anniversary this coming Saturday, we've been working hard at preparing for another crazy adventure that we'll be sure to share with you --- camping!
Besides making packing lists and telling Zane he can't bring his XBox or our new Tivo, we're getting ready to roll out a whole new website full of all sorts of goodies!
In the meantime we thought you might like some oldies but goodies...
All about us
My favorite blog post
Our craziest adventure
Our genius cat
Feel free to comment and tell us which post you've loved most or to encourage Zane to lock this down now that it's been two years... just sayin'.
With our 2nd anniversary this coming Saturday, we've been working hard at preparing for another crazy adventure that we'll be sure to share with you --- camping!
Besides making packing lists and telling Zane he can't bring his XBox or our new Tivo, we're getting ready to roll out a whole new website full of all sorts of goodies!
In the meantime we thought you might like some oldies but goodies...
All about us
My favorite blog post
Our craziest adventure
Our genius cat
Feel free to comment and tell us which post you've loved most or to encourage Zane to lock this down now that it's been two years... just sayin'.
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