Madge and me sittin' in a tree…

So the other day I get this ambiguous email. Not that an email from Zane’s parents is anything out of the ordinary. Normally they request more dirt on what Zane’s really up to, whether he washed his underwear this week (no), or inviting us out on our weekly double date escapade.

Don’t get me wrong, I love them as if they were my own, but I think they’ve crossed the line. I think our relationship just took the next step. We are going together to his cousin Erin’s wedding in Vermont. Now in my world, that’s big. All that love in the air, the hopes that you could catch the bouquet, the nervous anticipation for cake. I mean, I haven’t even introduced them to my parents yet and now this?!

To top it all off, they’ve booked us at a hotel for 3 days and 2 nights. I don’t know if I’m ready for this. And then they mention how they’re bringing Grandma Madge. With all that they are telling me, the one thing they don’t tell is… what are the sleeping arrangements???

Now, if this were my family and we were on vacation, Zane and his Dad would share a bed and Melissa and I would bunk up. But then…. No one wants to leave out Madge. So my mind is going through all the combos.

Zane and Madge, Tom and Melissa, me on the floor. No.
Tom and Melissa, Zane and me, Madge on the floor. Maybe.
Madge and me, Melissa and Zane, Tom on the floor. Yes.

This story has only begun. The answers will follow in July, but in the meantime I will keep hypothesizing….

Bathtub Wookies

They say that every good relationships require some form of sacrifice. Julie had it easy, all she had to give up was eating red meat, sleeping with the lights off, dressing up like cereal mascots, and using the word "philanthropist", but for me, it was getting over my disgust of loose hair. Don't get me wrong, I love hair, when it is firmly attached to the scalp. But once it loses it's hold and falls out onto a nearby table, or chair, or in some unsuspecting sap's sandwich, it becomes something I have always despised, especially when wet. The way it clings to you for dear life like you were about to give it up for adoption. Or the feeling of it stuck somewhere in your mouth, and you're not quite sure where but you know it's there somewhere, and no matter how much you swish your tongue around or lick your hand you can't find it, till finally you locate it after several minutes of strenuous agony only to find out that it is a minuscule eyelash and you think "what was the point?".

Though the greatest atrocity of all for the former members of a hairdo would be how they collect in the bathtub drain. When I go to take a shower I am often greeted by one of these nasty little hair patties. If I fail to remove it before taking a shower it haunts me by spinning slowly like a helicopter blade. If it should catch my eye for more than a second it puts me into a repulsed, yet inescapable, trance and find myself in one of several different astral planes. Not much unlike the dog in this video.

Odds and Trends

I like lists. Here's the first of many future lists.

10 Things I Now Know Zane Doesn't Like So I Do More:

1. Clapping indoors.
2. Losing hair in the shower.
3. "Discussing" things.
4. Winning at Boggle.
5. Sharing the bed with my 23-year-old Kid Sister doll.
6. My track record of never washing a dish in this apartment.
7. Loving my family.
8. Hanging out with Zane's family.
9. Doubling my wardrobe with his.
10. Accusing him of constantly lying.


P.S. Today I woke up and discovered all of the toothbrushes to be in their breezy and natural state minus the safety devices. Julie-1 Zane-0

Hopeful Wishes and Dirty Dishes

This afternoon as I was cleaning my blender in the anticipation of Thirsty Thursday Mambo Margaritas I did the unthinkable. In a particularly thrilling impromptu solo during Christina Aguilera’s “Ain't No Other Man”. I accidentally knocked over a glass with the base of the blender. As the glass crashed to the floor my mind began racing with the images of my imminent demise. Seeing as this is the first thing I’ve broken while at Julie’s I hope that she will go easy on me, being that it’s a first time offense and all. Most likely I’ll receive a hard slap on the wrist and a rather off color remark about my face. Then again, such are the punishments I face on a regular basis for much smaller crimes, like chewing too loudly or not staring at her longingly enough.

As I swept up the broken bits of glass I racked my brain thinking of a way to mend my mistake without her knowing. Throwing away the glass wouldn’t work seeing as she’s gotten accustomed to taking inventory since I’ve moved in. She has somehow convinced herself that I come from a family of gypsies and plan to steal as much as I can carry. It’s inaccurate racial stereotype like this that she uses to justify all her reasons not to trust me. According her I’m Jewish, Chinese, Mediterranean, African, Australian, and Canadian (or at least the over-exaggerated down side of each). I face more racist misfires than anyone I know.

Well it’s a good thing she takes inventory on Mondays. That gives me the whole weekend to find a replacement. I remember at dinner the other evening the restaurant had the same glasses as Julie. Perhaps I can steal one from there.

Tastes Like Teen Spirit

Day 6 the trust issues have become apparent. I get up to go to work this morning and I find Zane has locked his toothbrush heads into tiny little plastic vaults. The chastity belts of dentistry. The lockbox on trust.

Sure, I may have used one of his toothbrushes (he has two... electric for those lazy Sundays and manual for when he feels like being one of us common folk) last week to get that grime out from the back of the toilet seat. But I feel that is what love is. Besides, that battery power has the force of 5,000 scrubbing bubbles!

It's too bad he never got the note I left explaining my usage. Guess next time I won't doodle it in the fog on the mirror. Woops. Thinking back on it, that probably wasn't spinach in his teeth.

So now his bristles are on lockdown. I think I'm a few steps away from cracking the code... I've watched The DaVinci Code three times but I think I have to wait till Angels and Demons hits theaters. Oh Tom Hanks, hurry up! I really want to get the grout on Saturday.

I've made do in the meantime, hopefully Zane won't notice the dust bunnies breeding on his socks from the bookcase.

D Day

To put it bluntly, the first 24 hours of living with Julie have been Magical! I entered the apartment wide-eyed and bushy tailed. Julie gave me the warmest of welcomes by locking herself in the bathroom for most of the day and blasting Spice Girls, while my parents and I brought stuff in from my old apartment. When I asked where I should put things she was nice enough to come out of the bathroom to point to the alleyway behind the apartment building, it was so considerate! Sure, it wouldn’t be very practical to store my things outside but I didn’t want to be rude and nit pick the details after she was so sweet to make the suggestion. I have taken to organizing my stuff inside the apartment. It’s been tough but I’ve managed to put my stuff where it can't be heard or seen, as to Julie’s request. Most importantly, I’ve made sure I always have an available route of escape.

But really things have been good. I know she is the one now because she tells me every day. I even get a whole 45 minutes of speaking time EVERY DAY! It's amazing! I never thought living with a girl could be so rewarding. My days are filled with Sex in the City, Cosmopolitan, Exfoliating Creams, and talking about boys. Yep, I'm living the life now. I hope to see friends and family again, but I have a sneaking suspicion Julie is trying to have me deported. She's always on the phone, speaking in what I think is Portuguese, about "Deporting o menino branco"

Where to begin...

Well, Zane and I made the decision to move in together. After 6 months of putting up with each other at great distances, we are bridging the gap to annoy each other more locally. Really, this is all Zane's doing, I have stayed in the same location. But over the course of the time we have been together he has creeped his way closer and closer.

When we first met, he was in Brooklyn, I felt safe. I never told him where I lived for 3 months until his background check came back clean. With an hour between us, I felt I had a decent head start when told he was visiting.

Then I needed more labor to paint my apartment. Zane misunderstood and assumed this meant I liked him but really I was just excited that he could reach the corners on the ceiling.

Next thing I know I have to move him mere blocks away from me. Not just moving him, but a combined "hey help me out, hey meet my parents" I fell for this trick and was unfortunately brought in closer to the family. They're nice I guess. A bit chipper for my liking. But that pastry lady sure can lift! The musician kept talking about this band book. I dunno, I blocked them out after the intros.

So that was August 2008. Now it's February 2009 and here I find myself hauling the same matress down the same stairs I could swear I had just done this. Zane has made his way into my home. Like a burrowing gopher. It started with a DVD here or there, then a shirt... Now I've got his crap everywhere. I feel the urge to record my experiences living with this odd boy. If I had my way I'd have titled this blog "From Sane to Zane".

Let us begin...

First 24 hours:
Hour 1: We stood in our new home and gazed over our lovely mess.
Hour 4: Zane insisted on bringing 3 girls over to try out his new "day bed"
Hour 5: Zane found out how lovely the sidewalk is. You'd be amazed how well his things fit out there too!
Hour 8: After 3 hours of banging on the windows, Julie finds it in her heart to issue him a pillow.
Hour 16: With the rain and wind, (and the banging on the window) Julie found it difficult to watch Zane's movies and finally gave in and let the bugger in.
Hour 24: Zane has begged to write to his parents, asking to please be sent home but his computer is locked up until he performs all of his assigned chores. Hope they hear from their son soon..... He looks really great in the maid outfit I got for him.