Welcome Back Kotter

Hey hey blog fans! Or, should I say “fan”. On behalf of my writing partner and myself, I wish to convey a heartfelt “woops!” on the fact that we have seemingly fallen off the face of the Earth. LOTS has been happening since the new year started (and even before!) and like an anxious tween, “like, OMG we have SO much to like tell you!”

Firstly, we are still together. Rumors have been running rampant that much like Conan and NBC, Hers and His creators have gone their separate ways. No, we are like Conan and Andy Richter, though uncomfortable to look at and slightly vomit inducing, we will always remain together.

No, we didn’t get engaged/married/elope/adopt a baby/puppy/kitten/homeless man. Though some of those things are on the agenda for this year, we’ll keep you guessing by not revealing which!

Are we still living with that middle aged man who takes recreational steroids and enjoys VERY loud intimate times with his many many revolving man lovers? Nah. I, for one, am elated that we have moved but Zane is finding it hard to sleep without the lulling sounds of men “high fiving” in the background.

Yes, it’s true, we are the proud renters of a beautiful 2 bedroom apartment literally a block from out old digs in Astoria. We are also only a block away from the street corner Zane and I met on that fateful July day 2 years ago. I enjoy this proximately purely for the times I can drag Z there by the ear and remind him of how great our story is and not to F it up now after all the moving we’ve endured together. He’s in it for the long haul. Whether he wants it or not.

Speaking of bars and long hauls, one recent development was with Zane’s favorite neighborhood bar where he so lovingly watched his pals the Jets (not sure if you’re familiar with them. They are a motley crew of newbies to the land of football who seem to have hit some streak of fortune after their quarterback had the revelation to start throwing it to the players who have the SAME outfit on as him. Revolutionary.) Anywho… this bar around the corner… we walked past it last night and all the doors were closed, lights off and gates down and one of those infamous yellow signs was plastered on the front door. Closed by the NYC Health Department. Ewwwww. Luckily neither of us ever consumed anything there but the smell of locals and the feeling of hope for the J-E-T-S.

As for the rest of our time, both Z and I have been busy working and being regular people for the first time ever. I have been at my new job almost a whole month and am loving it. Working for a Jewish food distributor has its perks, lots of free kosher food in our fridge!!! I am also starting to incorporate a little Yiddish into my everyday dialect. Mostly, I am shvitzing most about my short Fridays, as we are required to leave by sunset to observe the honoring of the Sabbath. Why Black Sabbath is so popular in Israel I have yet to figure out, but I’ve decided to not ask questions and just shout “rock on!” Friday afternoons as I depart.

So, that’s what’s been new with us. We are slowly emerging from our gopher hole-esque existence and welcoming friends back into our lives. While we may not have been writing to you, dear fans, not a day has passed where one of us didn’t say “aww crap, we should probably write on the blog.” Aww, that’s love.

Up next: Julie learns to stop referring to her coworker’s yarmulkes as “teeny beanies”!

Hustling Our Fans For a Little Charity

So, we don't do this often, ask something of our readers besides your undivided attention and a hearty chuckle on occasion. But, in the rare instance that it is important, such as Bud Light Lime becoming an unofficial sponsor, or a dear friend raising money to support his late brother, we make a little blog room to spread the message of love and support.

A little back story...

I met Brian in college, we were 2 of only 4 in our year with the same major and worked alongside each other all through our 4 years. We were friendly competitors who both enjoyed hard work and the pride of a job well done. When I needed a place to stay when I first moved to New York City (even before I met the "His" to my "Hers"!) Brian was the one to offer me a roof over my head for 3 whole months till I got my feet on the ground. In that time, he lost his brother to a very long battle of respiratory illness. When most would hole themselves up and feel pity for themselves, Brian refused to slow down. He turned his loss into a gain for all in need. Only a month after losing his brother he participated in his first "Hustle Up the Hancock" and hasn't stopped since. I am very proud of him for carrying on the memory of Eric and I asked him to write a little something for our fans in hopes that if you wanted to contribute to a good cause this year, you'd chose this one.

Dear fans of Hers and His,

My good friend Julie has given me the opportunity to write this short message to all of you in hopes that I can continue raising money for a cause that means the world to me. The Hustle Up the Hancock is a climb up 95 flights of stairs for the Chicago Respiratory Health Association. This is my third year doing it and I have been doing it ever since my brother passed away 2 years ago. He was 26 at the time and had climbed the Hancock building for 3 years after receiving a double lung transplant from that. There are more details on my donation page and I truly hope that everyone can look into their hearts and wallets, and help donate as much as you can. Thank you so much for your help and of course, thank you for being awesome since you are a fan of Hers and His. The link is here: http://my.imisfriendraising.com/personalPage.aspx?SID=35119

Thank you,

Brian

Livin' Lavida Sano

With 2009 securely in the past and our 2010 Astorian future looking bright, we've taken some time to get acclimated with our new digs. Our first order of business was to remove a large Armoire lent to our apartment's previous inhabitant by the landlord to make up for the lack of a closet in the master bedroom. You read correctly, "master" as in "superior to..." implying "more than one" signifying "we have a two bedroom apartment!". While gloating is hardly my style, nor is it very gentlemanly, one cannot amass the excitement that Julie and I share for this place without the proper embellishment.

Now before you start packing your luggage for a visit we should warn you that we don't really have anything to put in that room yet. Instinctively, I consider it as some sort of "office" implying that I have a work ethic large enough to encompass a room's worth of stuff. Julie, on the other hand has used the space for her own secret agenda by referring to it as "the baby room" whenever possible. Why she considers my football and automated coin machine as babies is beyond me. Women... you can live with them, you can even enjoy it part of the time, but they'll be talking about babies a lot.

When figuring out what to do with this large clumsy piece of furniture we thought it was only right to lend a hand to our landlord by offering to bring it downstairs for him. How "downstairs" became "anyone's apartment who wanted it" I have no idea but far be it from me to deny help to our new prospective pals. We were informed by the landlord that our neighbors next door may like the piece of furniture for their apartment. As Manhattan chefs working on opposite schedules we had a bit of difficulty finding them home, so with a note attached we left it in on their front step like some unwanted child. While they ultimately turned down our offer, it provided a good, albeit inconvenient ice breaker (given that it took up 80% of the hallway). My only hope is that they do not look down their noses at us for our Bertolli dinner parties.

On our friendly paper towel note was a proposition by a neighbor one floor up that if the gentlemen did not want the piece that she would gladly take it. Being the friendly neighborhood movers as we are, we knocked on her door and asked if we could bring the hulking semi-mobile closet to her.

What followed would be a half-hour of "how the hell did he get it up the stairs in the first place". When all seemed for naught the idea arose to remove the doors to lighten the load. Once that was accomplished it was smooth sailing. Well as smooth as carrying a 100+ pound piece of furniture up a narrow stairway.

The experience may have been taxing on our arms, still weary from the New Year's Eve move but it was all worth it in the end. We met the locals and netted an invitation to a post-holiday party (although we probably will not be able to attend being that it's on the same day as plans to party it up with Big Bad "Old Uncle" Blaine, but still).

However, the best experience since the move came last night at the sports bar down the street. Without TV I was fearful that I would not be able to watch my beloved Jets fight for a playoff birth against the Cincinnati Bengals. As I watched the Jets play in top form surrounded by half-interested bar goers and a chill winter breeze sneaking through the front door I knew that Queens, New York is the only place to be.

Astoria: So Nice We Moved There Twice!

Happy New Year loyal readers! As promised we are starting off the new year in front of the keyboard to recant our latest tales of laughter, love, and loquaciousness for you, our dear lovelies. What better way to mark the new year than from the office of our brand new apartment!

Just one block from the apartment where this blog was conceived not 11 months ago, we are just now making ourselves at home in what should be the first place Julie and myself can really make "home", since we are NOT moving again any time soon. Sure I may be cheating. I did write this post yesterday knowing full well that we most likely won't have Internet for a few days, but worry not, I will be back to proof-read this eventually.

Having not had any decent New Years Eve plans this year we decided to move instead. With the assistance of veteran movers (my parents) and the new addition of my cousin Big Bad "Old Uncle" Blaine we braved the elements and changed locations in a flash... I'm assuming. I cannot help but shed one tear for the sublet we just left. Sure it was creepy and offensive, but it was also eye opening (elaboration to come in future posts... whether you're prepared for it or not I shall leave to your discretion) needless to say, we're very grateful to have a place all to ourselves again.

We here are Hers and His wish you all a Happy New Year! Good luck losing weight, quitting smoking, loving your family a little more, and succeeding in whatever other resolutions you may have thought up for yourselves!

Merry 2010!

Hers and His Holiday Greeting Video

Dear Loyal Fans,

While it may seem like this blog has merely become a bulletin for wishing happy holidays we want to assure you all that with the new year will come a refocusing on writing for all you fine people. As you will soon find out there have been many exciting things happening for us and many more things coming up in the next week, so I hope you will understand why December has been sparse on content. So Happy Holidays to all and we'll see you in 2010, goodness knows you will be seeing A LOT of us!

(For people reading this on facebook please follow the link to the blog so that you may view the lovely video greeting above)

Love,

Hers and His

Dollah Dollah Bill Yo!

Some of you may know I have been dancing around the prospects of a few potential jobs since returning to the city after Thanksgiving. With the reality of something to do everyday just a mere phone call away, I want to reflect on how this can positively impact my life. Sure, I won't be able to stay in my jammies till 4 or be up to date on the latest wedding dress shows, but I guess being a contributing member of society is nice too.

Things I will enjoy doing once I am gainfully employed:

-Not squeezing a box of wine into my wine fridge, actually getting it by the bottle.

-Paying someone to cut my bangs instead of the scary "a little more on this side, a little more on that side, OMG too much!"

-Buying a pair of shoes instead of super gluing the heel back onto my broken pair. Who am I kidding? "in addition to," not "instead of."

-Eating something other than pasta and ramen... What? Those are the same thing??? Crap.

-Not watching Hoda and Kathy Lee. Okay, I'm gonna miss Hoda a little.

-Three words: No More Roommates.

-Throw out my ripped pantyhose instead of just adjusting what I wear to not show the runs.

-Ooooh! Metro Card! No more 40 minute walks to go see my friend for lunch.

And lastly....

-Enjoying coming home to a home cooked meal the way Zane has been all this time! :)

Compass Companion Conundrum

A boy and his dog... ahh a lovely sweet image of true companions, buddies, pals, if you will.

A grown man and his GPS... an odd entanglement of penis envy, get out of the car now.

I have been thinking of discussing this modern day romance of technology for quite some time, but it was only this past weekend that I was propelled into full blown need to publicly discuss this epidemic.

Men. You will always be superior to your GPS unit. Give it a rest.

Here are 3 examples of different bonds men I know have:

Mystery Man #1 Questioning

Mystery Man #2 Defiant

Mystery Man #3 Loyal

Traveling with #1 is a lose-lose situation. Constant wondering whether the alternative route would have yielded better results. Blaming whomever recommended to just go with the original route. Asking rhetorical questions of the little device. Even harassing its speaker for being just a bit too pushy.

Now, you want an adventure, get in the car with #2. Why he purchased a GPS is beyond me since he clearly knows the best route to get everywhere already. You know when you have to silence your GPS because it loses its voice after chastising "Recalculating" too many times, you really don't need one. This type of man enjoys showing his dominance over this little advice that doesn't know sh** about where he wants to go or who he is as a man.

I find #3 endearing. Thank God the GPS was invented, otherwise he would still be in his driveway figuring out how to read a map. He turns all power over to his electronic compass and would follow it into a lake if it asked that of him. Whether it be down the street to the supermarket or cross state lines to a wedding, that good ol' GPS has earned a spot in the Christmas card photo as the best addition to the family this year.

No matter which man yours is, you probably have your own anecdote of some car trip gone wrong or some lane change missed then cursed to high heaven. If only men could accept that they aren't asking for directions by purchasing a GPS unit, they are just asking for a hand. The world might navigate a little more smoothly.

A Time to Give Hanks

It is time once again to brave the crowded highways, face the impenetrable guilt trip set by family, and as always "remember your spirit". It is the same with every 4th Thursday of November; the American tradition of Thanksgiving. It is the one day a year (aside from Valentines Day, Halloween, Easter, Christmas and "All you can eat for $5 buffet Wednesdays" at Pizza Hut) where gorging oneself is not only expected, it's celebrated!

I personally do not celebrate Thanksgiving Day. While the theme of taking pause to be grateful is virtuous and undoubtedly necessary in our country, I find that the story in which this moral is wrapped in is anything but exemplary. I refuse to perpetuate this idea that the Pilgrims and NATIVE AMERICANS had a fair trade on this fateful day. As the story goes, or moreover should, the Pilgrims were new to the neighborhood and as a house warming gift the Indians taught them to grow corn and play Lacrosse. In return, the Pilgrims gave the Indians spices and invited all their family and friends over to live and party like teens at a parent-less house.

My family often celebrated the holiday in true historical fashion by finding a neighbor with a nice backyard and paying them pennies to hang out there for the evening, then as a sign of good faith give them the unwashed comfort blanket of which ever family member had the worst cold that year. After the first year we modified the tradition to sharing a meal with police officers to commemorate our group arrest for trespassing that first year.

While it wouldn't be right to spend the holiday like an average Thursday: eating a pint of ice cream while watching the Lifetime Movie Network, I devised my own holiday a few years back. Rather than celebrating the beginnings of US history with it's racially exploitative impinging and incessant hand-turkey art in Thanksgiving Day, I celebrate the career of a man who has brought nothing but joy and appreciation to the entire world with T.Hanks Giving Day!

On the 4h Thursday of November family and friends worldwide gather around to give one another their favorite Tom Hanks movie. From Philadelphia to Turner and Hooch every one of his movies comes with deep lessons about how we should be thankful for what we have. With BIG, we see that while adulthood comes with many great responsibilities, but it also has its perks; like living in apartments unnaturally huge for New York City and being able to nail broads. Toy Story, with it's message that even old things have some use; and Saving Private Ryan, where we are taught that Hitler sucked. Every T.Hanks Giving evening is sure to leave you and yours with a smile on your face and appreciation in your heart.

What better way to say thanks, than to have Tom Hanks say it for you!

HAPPY T.HANKS GIVING DAY!

Thanks for the Giving! (Julie's Holiday Reflection)

With Thanksgiving right around the corner, I feel it's time to reflect on things I am thankful for. Here's my list for 2009:

Here are 2 things that came about in February. The birth of this monkey baby into Zane's family and the birth of our very own monkey baby into the world of online story telling.

This little treat was received in March and I have been thanking my parents ever since! If you don't already have one I HIGHLY recommend getting one. It improves your sleep and gets you more dreams! Our faves? Thunderstorm and Ocean Surf.

My springtime thanks go to the Shroom Burger at Shake Shack in NYC and to... of course... our someday sponsor: Bud Light Lime!

Our summer couldn't have been complete without the sanctuary that was offered to us. We thank you for the hospitality and awesome blog material!!

I was very thankful for TWO opportunities this year to go up to Maine and meet/visit with Zane's Grandparents. This is their lovely home we went to:

I discovered this favorite sometime in the fall and still giggle about it whenever it crosses my mind.

Of course this is not something new circa 2009, but I am still thankful for him and that he will be spending Thanksgiving with me and my family.

Lastly, I am thankful that you are following Zane and me in a very important time in our lives. When we are learning to settle with someone because no one else would put up with our crap. A time of penny pinching and "staycations." We are glad you are a part of our blogging family and for that, we wish you a Happy Thanksgiving.

This is the Ultimate Showdown

Today. 4:15. Zane vs. Julie. I mean, Jets vs. Pats. Who will win? Who will cry? Who cares?

We do!

There has been a request to do play-by-play blogging as the game progresses. Challenge accepted.

First, we must set up a blog appropriate bet. Hmm. Ah!

If Zane wins, Julie will quit taking pictures through the peephole and inviting Ocho over for dinner.

If Julie wins, Zane will stop screaming "Big Daddy wants his meal, woman!" as he ascends the stairs in the evening.

Let the games begin!!!!

3:33pm. We enjoy a little Top Chef before the showdown. Noshing on cheesy bacon dip Momma Gould delivered yesterday. Zane is wearing a green t-shirt (as he always does on game day) and Julie put on a blue t-shirt to mock his weekly ritual.

3:35pm. Julie is asked not to keep reading what she is writing aloud.

3:35:24pm. ...

3:57pm. Zane "picture in picture"s the game before ours so now the loser of this Top Chef challenge has a football game in her belly. You can see in her sad eyes the indigestion must be too much. She goes home and the Falcons get a touchdown.

4:01pm. Julie clarifies that she only signed up to watch one game today. Now after watching 2 repeat Top Chef episodes, she can't catch the latest one she hasn't seen because the Falcons just tied it up with 32 seconds left in the game.

4:03pm. Sigh.

4:05pm. Colts win. Surprise surprise. Wait... weren't we watching the Falcons? We flipped again.

Sidenote: I am enjoying seeing the "Boy Ads" on TV. I watch so much girly television I'm used to toilet paper ads and diaper creams. (My favorite is some ad with a creepy clay kid saying "ewww" to regular liquid medicine.) Now I am inundated with sandwich commercials, beer hawking and that awesome looking cheesy gordita crunch. I'm sold. Can I get fat through commercial osmosis?

4:15pm. Kickoff. Zane has already gone to the bathroom, put his electronics away, and is perched on his chair in anticipation. My mom enjoys watching Zane watch his boys play because she never sees him yell and I think on some sick level she likes seeing him cry.

What are these announcer men wearing? They need wives to dress them. Yellow shirt, white collar, polka dot maroon tie. Blegh.

4:16pm. Consensus is that we are all pleased they are wearing their normal uniforms. This whole "throwback" concept has been irking us.

4:23pm. Zane is sounding pretty pleased so far. In order to combat this, I will take this time to let you know he is wearing Jets underwear. That's right. These sacred man panties... "manties" if you will, were on the top of the list of what to pack when we moved. So take that. 0-0 still.

4:25pm. Pats flea flicker fail. Zane chortles.

Sidenote: What do you think Bill Belicheck looks like in pink? or lavender? or anything but grey? Do you think Bill B. wears Patriots underwear?

4:28pm. Confusion on the field. Fumble? No fumble? Is there proof? Challenge by Pats. Commercial. ...4:31pm still fumble, Pats lose timeout. Zane stays quiet and polite.

4:34pm. PATS INTERCEPT FOR A TOUCHDOWN!!!! Zane swore, I cheered. He then turns as I open my laptop and sassily says "Write about it." Thank you Mark Sanchez, you are responsible for a lot of great plays this year. Unfortunately, most of them were to the benefit of opposing teams.

4:52pm. End of 1st quarter. Zane's been shaking his head a lot. The refs and teams have seemed confused throughout. Woah, they somehow had one last play with 00:00 on the clock. Pats got another touchdown. Zane is now spending more time on his computer. I'll let you know if he smiles again. 0-14 Pats.

5:08pm. I've decided to root for the Jets. It's just too sad watching us anihilate them. It's more fun to watch a close game. P.S. I just asked Zane how to spell "anihilate" but he won't tell me. I think he's mad. Sorry you have to suffer with bad spelling because he's a poor sport.

5:10pm. It's annihilate. I had to look it up. 0-21 Pats.

5:16pm. What'd I miss? What'd I miss? I get up to go to the bathroom and there are shouts. I guess we got ANOTHER interception. The sadness is palpable.

5:23pm. In the spirit of football, I've decided to take the time to boil and fit my new anti-grinding mouth guard. The water's heating as I type.

5:38pm. Zane smiled. I smiled because he smiled, but my mouth guard is too bulky to notice. 7-24 Pats still ahead but at least it won't be a shut out.

5:51pm. Embarrassing missed field goal by the Pats. Zane just "Oooooooo" ed but didn't rub it in. There's a smidgen of optimism in his occasional noises. Let's hope, because Ocho is set to grace us with his model-ness at 7pm for dinner otherwise!!

5:56pm. Halftime. We all eat a cookie.

Sidenote: This isn't a very exciting game for me to be play-by-playing. Maybe that will change in the second half! I still wish the Patriots snag a win, just that Zane has a small ounce of hope that is quickly squashed at the last second! Bwa-ha-ha!

Other sidenote: Maybe I should play-by-play my cookie eating. It's a bit more exciting, and everyone's a winner. The chocolate chip was down on the 1st, but it really pushed through in the last drive and wound up being the 4th down into my stomach. 0-7 Julie.

6:17pm. My mouth guard fits well in case you were wondering.

6:17:04pm. "There you go" Zane gently encourages his team as they score another touchdown. It's like a kindergarten teacher whose student just learned how to use their Fiskers. P.S. I ask Zane if touchdown is one word or two and THIS TIME he pleasantly tells me one. Sheesh.

6:19pm. No, I'm not eating cookies with my mouth guard in, that's just gross.

6:21pm. It's a 10 point game, Zane has set his computer back down and is actually devoting a little more attention to the big screen. 14-24.

6:29pm. Z: Oooooo! J: What happened? Z: He grabbed him and drove his head into the ground.

6:30pm. Z: Oooooo! J: What happened? Z: He fumbled the ball. J: I think I should start actually watching.

6:41pm. Apparently Brett Favre is a serial butt slapper. The men announcing say so, so I believe it. Oh to be Brett's teammate. :) Yet another thing he and Edmoney have in common. First being their ages, of course.

6:46pm. OMG Mark Sanchez!!! Just sit down on the bench. Sit there and think about what you've done. You had all the time in the world, had a great fake and then royally screwed it up. Interception by Pats. Stop making it so easy, Sanchez.

6:56pm. Repeat previous entry only this time he "threw it away" right into the arms of a Patriots guy. Way to go Marky Mark.

7:01pm. Ocho's a no show. Hehehe, I just wanted to type that.

7:03pm. Yet another NE touchdown. It doesn't look this easy when Zane and I play with his football in the park across the street. I think between Brady and my new mouth guard I'm inspired to actually try and catch the ball next time we go out and throw around the new ol' pigskin. 14-31 Pats.

7:13pm. 3 minutes and 33 seconds left in the game. Which means about an hour left in the game.

7:24pm. Still going... 5 seconds. Zane's dad calls so they can commiserate.

7:24pm. Time's up!!! New England wins. Jets attempted hail mary... so close, didn't work. Final score: 14-31.

Zane is upbeat and not sad. He expected this to happen. In true New York form, he knew his team would bomb. Go Jets?

I am indifferent, as I always am with sports. Go Pats?

Actually no. I am not indifferent. I am thrilled. The game has wrapped up and now I can proceed to my favorite Sunday night event: Bridezilla marathon!!! All in all, everyone wins.

Except Zane. He double loses.

My Idiosyncrasies

Here's a list of weird things about me:

• I don't like to grocery shop alone because I feel I look too young to be buying groceries and that everyone must be looking at me wondering where my mom is.
• My guilty pleasure is opening a fresh jar of peanut butter and being the first to unseal and put a knife in it.
• The only good part about my job at the theater in Hartford was when I made the coffee each day I'd get to cut open the vacuum sealed coffee pouches and they made that "whoooosh!" sound.
• I can hear electronics when they are on even when they are muted.
• When my parents bought the lakehouse I could hear the high pitched screeching bat deterrent.
• I sucked my thumb until I was 12.
• I still get a kick out of twirling my 24 year old Kid Sister doll's hair between my fingers. (It's best when cold.)
• Zane has to fluff my feather pillow at night because I don't do it as well as he does.
• I like to read labels of products and make sure they have all the letters of the alphabet on them. (This is best done in the bathroom)
• Most often the only missing letter is J. Q and Z are more common than you think.
• I always hoped to marry someone with a last name higher up than Whitehouse in the alphabet. (For my kids' sake in elementary school seating.)
• I thought I mistakenly purchased "boy glasses" when I first got them in 2nd grade because a boy in my class had the same ones.
• Out of the million freckles I have, I pick favorites.
• I absolutely hate tending to plants despite appreciating their existence.
• When I was in grade school I pretended I had an even older brother who lived in our attic. He was cool.
• There is nothing worse to me than a girl who tells you what your Barbie should say.
• My recurring nightmare is trying to run away from something bad and it only coming out in extreme slow motion.
• I still can't comfortably drive in rain after the car accident.
• When I see people's feet I instinctively do a quick count of toes because it always looks to me like people have an extra one on first glance.
• The only reason I went into stage management was because I was rejected as an actor every time I auditioned for 4 years in high school. I would have been a graphic designer otherwise.
• My favorite drink was Hawaiian Punch until my high school boyfriend found out and bought me one every day for 4 months.
• I still can't tell when people are talking on the phone into an earpiece or just a bit schizophrenic.
• If given the option, I will always choose the even number or left.
• I write right handed but play sports left handed.
• Never once this year have I answered the proper age when asked. It's always 24 or 26, never 25. I'm in denial.
• I like to minimize my Gmail window so when it says I have a new message it's like opening up a Christmas present.

If You're Happy And You Know It Keep It To Yourself

I am too happy.

You heard me. Too darn pleasant. I thought I was a bit cranky last week, but this week in NYC I am comparatively bursting at the seams with joy. What happened? Absolutely nothing!

I mistakenly nodded an acknowledging hello to a policeman I passed and got a puzzling look. Woops. Remember Julie, no one says hi here.

I helped a lady who needed directions to the nearest subway. Gosh darn it, Julie, will you just stop being so Masshole-y!

And to top it all off, while ascending my elliptical of a stairwell, a fellow resident left their apartment right as I was outside. I smiled and quietly mumbled "hey" as I kept making my way up the stairs. All I got was a pause and then a confused person continuing to lock their door to make sure none of my glee broke its way into their cranky sanctuary. Their cranktuary.

Some people here are responding to my pleasantries. The man stocking shelves at the grocery told me his name and even tried to give me his number in case I needed help finding anything! What above and beyond service!

Even the gyro guy around the corner made a point to say hello. Before I could tell him how my Dad can't wait to get a bite of his meaty goodness, he let me know he considers himself lucky to have me walk by him twice in one day. I took the chance to tell him how I just live right over there up on the top floor and I was making a lovely dinner if he just wanted to come over. He seemed really excited, but Zane wouldn't let him in for some reason.

Oh well, I guess Manhattan can't handle a little "Cheer Fairy" flitting about its blocks. Although I think it's starting to spread a little. The construction workers outside our window have started whistling hello to me when I walk by in my nightgown. I wave back excitedly to my new found friends! Maybe my niceties are starting the "wave" of the future.

Ocho Guapo

Well, let me first catch my breath. Did I just run up the stairs? No. Am I scared since YET ANOTHER knock has arrived upon my door? No. Did I get to "meet" Ocho, our neighbor? YES.

I use the term "meet" lightly. This is New York. Our doors were both open at the same time and I got a decent glimpse of him and his roommate, Ocho Dos?

First, I will discuss how we were put in this situation. And later we will all express our appreciation for the picture window peephole.

For some reason I felt compelled to toss on a ratty t-shirt and pair of jeans after Zane left today. That, compared to staying in my jammies until 3 in the afternoon like every other day. I must have sensed what was about to happen. Because just as Hoda and KLG were blabbing about how Kathy Lee thinks she looks like Sandra Bullock (ahem, really Kathy Lee??) *Knock Knock!*

Slightly embarrassed that The Crappy Hour of Today was playing, I saw my new friend the super through the peephole.

Sidenote: The other evening, before any of the boys were home, I got a knock on the door. I looked out the hole and this little old homeless looking man was on the other side. "Super!" he said. And I thought "likely story homeless man, you ain't gettin' in THIS place" I said (through a very locked door) "Can I help you?" and he explained he was there to fix a window. After about 5 minutes of interrogation he said enough information about my roommate and our window issue that I figured he's either a smart homeless man trying to rob me, or maybe our window was really going to get fixed finally! As I finally opened the door, he said "feel free to call Edmoney to check on me" and I found it odd that he keeps up with our blog... Either way, he let me stay by the propped open door ready for immediate escape at the first sign of insubordination. He must have thought I was insane. I'd like to think I'm "City Smart."

Okay, so back to earlier today. A knock, I look out the peeping window. There's that darn little homeless man again. We'll call him "Super Joe." I guess we're pals now since he brought a friend with him. The JP Morgan guy. With a camera. I guess for insurance purposes they take photos of the places to make sure they are up to speed.

So Mr. JP was next door snapping away and Super Joe just wanted me to have a head's up that I was next (and last). Super Joe is lookin out for a sister because he also took the time to tell me all about Ocho (who was standing right there) in his little jammie shorts and tank... ahem.

So Super Joe is just standing in the hall telling me about how ripped Ocho and Ocho Dos have to keep their abs, I believe the term "8 pack" was used. Oooh, Ocho, 8 pack? Serendipitous or just hot? I just thought he was verbally assaulting the two 30 somethings next door, but turns out they are male models.

It makes sense now that Edmoney would volunteer to haul his crap up so many floors just so he can catch an occasional glimpse of two male hotties with bodies. Smaaaaart.

So, here I am just nodding along as Super Joe sings the physical praises of Ocho and Ocho Dos, hanging on his every word for yet another tidbit of their daily sexy regime. I made Super Joe promise not to tell Z about these discoveries so Shhhhhh!

After such star treatment of our studly floormates, I expected when it was my turn that Super Joe would do his duty of explaining how friggin hot I was to Ocho and Ocho Dos. Super Joe told the camera man to take pics of our model friends in addition to their cracked sheetrock. When Mr. JP finally made his way to my place he felt uncomfortably forced to ask "So, are you a model too?"

Sir. Don't patronize me. I am wearing a dirty boy's undershirt and $8 jeans. My hair is in a sloppy braid and I am watching Hoda and Kathy Lee.

I gave my best model smile and said "What do you think?" He lowered his head and mumbled something incoherent then gave an uncomfortable polite smile and said in the first grade encouraging tone "Um, sure you could!" I won overall because he complimented me on how nice we've arranged our place and how clean it was. So take THAT Ocho Guapo, I may not have a washboard stomach but at least I know how to use a washboard.

Just kidding, no hard feelings neighbormen. I'll be quietly observing you from my stalker peephole from now on.

Wait. So THAT'S why they had so many bags when they moved in! And THAT'S why they couldn't read the number on the door! (ooooh burn!) HOLD THE PHONE! Let's all refer back to my blog earlier last week when I jokingly said "would they move in here if I had opened my door"!!!

Stupid stupid stupid. Next time, I promise to answer.

From the Desk of Zane

Why hello there blog goers. I have been quite occupied with my freelance career and unfortunately have neglected my fan base. Greetings! I am doing well and as usual, am being sassy on a regular basis.

Here are some things I have been up to...

Since my birthday is tomorrow, I have recently raided numerous Best Buy stores for their Xbox 360 gaming supplies. Quite enjoyable.

I have been wrapping myself in the comforts of nerd-dom every evening as there are numerous cords to be connected, buttons to be pushed and programs to be upgraded on a nightly basis in our new "digs" as you hipsters would call them.

In case my mother wonders whether I am alive or not, I am indeed and my fabulous live-in girlfriend has been preparing my lunchtime delicacies daily as well as making sure I leave the house with my coat on. My oh my! Where would I be without that lovely lovely girl?

I am delighted to report that my PSP has recently been upgraded. By upgrading I mean that I have actually downgraded it in order to play older games. Some may say that is insane, and I tell them that they do not understand until they have spent 40 hours tinkering in order to be able to play Pong and Space Invaders in HD.

All in all, things have been quite exceptional. I walk to work every morning and have achieved a new record of 20 seconds to reach the 5th floor of our walk up apartment. I will be sure to report back on my birthday celebratory events. Currently the festivities will involve beer and my exceptional girlfriend. Who knows what terrific surprises await me!

Farewell for now dear blog readers. Most sincerely, Zane

Overheard in New York

My gal pal Jo Jo and I are having a picnic lunch at a cold and wet Bryant Park. We're just gabbing while finishing up our carrot sticks before moving onto dessert. (2 handcrafted brownies from ex-pro baker Momma Gould)

The following ensues....

Crazy Homeless Man with Medical Bracelets on: Excuse me beautiful ladies, but I'm really hungry. I was wondering if you had any food you could spare.

Me: Umm, you can have the rest of our carrot sticks.

(Pause)

Crazy Homeless Man with Medical Bracelets on: I was thinking more like a brownie.

Me: No, sorry. But you're more than welcome to have the carrot sticks.

Crazy Homeless Man with Medical Bracelets on: I hate carrots. (grumbles away)

Jo Jo: I hate picky beggars.

Hahahahaha. Welcome back to the Big Apple!

The Creepy Thing That Happened to Me Tuesday

Zane's working, so I'm going to man up and blog at a more consistent pace. "But Julie, if you write every day will your material be as awesome as it is when you wait for something to happen?" Duh!

Every day in JZ Land is an adventure! If we can make Hannafords awesome, then we sure as heck can make living in Manhattan at least mildly amusing.

Today's tale... the creepsters next door!

When we lived in Astoria our main door for some reason made me think of Spongebob Squarepants. Particularly the pineapple under the sea part, as our peep hole was like viewing the hallway through an underwater survivor suit.

It wasn't very conducive to neighbor spying. #1 because we looked onto a wall B. because my neighbor was a 92 year old woman who didn't leave very much (R.I.P. Rose, I will always remember our stoop chats!).

Well... our new door has a peephole like a picture window! Clear view, good peripherals, directly facing apartment 8. I would like to note here that apartment 8 is the only apartment without a number on it. I don't know if this is relevant, or shadey, but I think it should be mentioned.

So today, as I sit and job hunt while the Law & Order: SVU marathon is on TBS (Yes, we really do love Chris Meloni if you've noticed we mention him every 3 months.) I hear people climbing the stairs. This is the first time I have ever heard another brave soul battle the 5 flights of stairs. I perked up.

I hear two people outside my door. A light knock and then-- they tried to turn the knob!!! OMG! Even if they hadn't tried the knob I was NOT opening the door to anyone. Edmoney (our roommate) was not expecting anyone and no one knows our address so there was no reason to have a guest. Plus... I hadn't buzzed anyone in!

I hope you are adequately on the edge of your seats.

Enter the awesome peep hole. I tiptoe to the door (with the TV obviously heard on the other side) and am careful not to let my shadow show under the door. I've watched enough television to know that! As I look out, a man (the knocker) and a woman (tucked to the side) are there with duffle bags. They look impatient and after a second cross the hall and try THEIR door! But what's crazy is they don't even wait, they let themselves in! Some guy very casually from some other room says "Hey." and the two enter and look around as if they've never seen the place before. Then they close the door behind them.

Swingers. We must have swingers next door. That, or Apt 8 is very willing to welcome robbers in. I listened for any more clues but nothing. Eventually they left and came up with a BUNCH of luggage, about 10 big rolling bags! So I guess just like Edmoney, Ocho needed a little help with rent and found a couple to take that role.

Here are my lingering inquiries:

What's the deal with trying to open my door?

Really? You didn't see that big ol' gold 7 prominently centered on the door?

Don't you need things other than clothes?

What if I had opened the door, would you have just unloaded your stuff here?

Did you park your car in the Car Vending Machine?

So, that's my Tuesday adventure. I will keep you posted with any new revelations.

Maybe tomorrow we'll review the steam pipes since we've covered what's out the window and what can be viewed from the peep hole. You may think that'll be lame, but they are slowly becoming our steamy new roommate. Always with a new secret to share. Well, at least they keep making the "Psssssst" noise.